RumBuggery!
by Starkiller
Summary: When King Kold is poisoned, the notorious team of pirates, the Ginyu Force, are charged with protecting a Princess. Little do they know they're about to be framed for murder. High sea adventures, wit and rumbuggery aboard the SS MilkDud. Jeice x OC
1. The Black Flag

**A/N:** So, it looks like I'm back in the swing of GF fics! I blame it all on Caith and Son Rhandi (nothing's changed there, then XD). This isn't a great literary work by any means – I'm just having some fun with my all time favourite characters. It is a complete AU, taking place in a piratical world that's split into three major Kingdoms: Kold, Vegetasei and Chikyuu (behold my originality). Princess Bass is an OC, created by the wonder that is Chibi-Schnurri – for goodness sakes, check out her fanart if you haven't already. Hurrah for GinyuxBass!

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**RUMBUGGERY!  
**The Black Flag

**oOo**

Torches flared in the city of Scrum. They illuminated alleyways, pushed back the shadows, spurned the thieves and the murderers, all of whom had been happily minding their own business before the torch-lit procession came snaking down the street. In Scrum, to be a thief or a murderer is as much a respectable profession as any other, like a doctor or a lawyer – although lawyers are somewhat further down the ladder of respectability and doctors are hard to come by (most end up stabbed).

King Kold was dying.

Or that's what they said.

Mind you, they say a lot of things. Jeice never knew which things to believe. This required thinking and unfortunately he'd flunked that subject. Truth be told, the only subject Jeice had ever excelled at was Thievery, Rumbuggery and Cow-tipping (which was more a pastime than a field of expertise). Scrum Elementary had a very diverse curriculum that extended to Piracy, Horn-Swoggling and even, for the adventurous few, Home Economics. When he'd been of age, Jeice had landed a nice apprenticeship in the Pirates Guild and sailed the world, gaining crewmanship aboard the notorious Captain Ginyu's ship, _The Milk Dud_.

On his adventures, he had learned three very important lessons: Never piss over the side of a ship during a squall, never trust a whore with a monobrow, and never, ever, _ever_ get caught. The Imperial Family wasn't kindly disposed to criminals. The Imperial Family wasn't kindly disposed to _anyone_, least of all themselves, if the news of King Kold's poisoning and imminent death was anything to go by. Criminals, especially those who worked outside of the Guilds, put the Empire's nose right out of joint. They did not like the competition. And if the Empire did not like you, frankly, you were sodded.

As far as he was concerned, you were better off putting your arse in a blender than winding up in an Ice-jinn torture chamber.

Jeice Scarlocke stared at the banners of the not-yet-dead King Kold. His noble chin was tilted high and his shrewd, black eyes squinted out at the on-looking crowds, as the procession moved through the streets.

"Blimey," Jeice whistled, "you could stick a whole doubloon in that cleft of his. S'like a dwarf's buttocks, that is. Why's it noblemen get that cleft in their chin, anyhow? Is it somethin' to do with them being royalty, like how Kings are born with blue blood and stuff?"

"Shut up, you dolt," Captain Ginyu snapped, which was the only way he ever replied to one of his rigger's idle curiosities. For an idiot, the boy thought too much, and a thinking idiot was something that irked Ginyu more than anything. Any normal idiot would just point and grunt, but Jeice – he had a mouth on him. More than once, Ginyu had been tempted to sew it shut before it did some real damage (for thinking, he knew, was infectious).

There was a sound like rumbling thunder as Recoome pointed and grunted at the procession, which had come to a halt on the steps of the Royal Palace.

"It's stopped, innit," said the hulking man, with a second grunt for good measure. Recoome looked like the sort of person who swallowed ten ostrich eggs before breakfast and brushed his teeth with a wire scrubber.

"Very astute, Recoome," the Captain muttered, rolling himself a cigarette.

"Who in the name of Senbex do you think managed to pull one over old Kold's eyes?" said Burter, a tall lean Saurian who had the sort of physique that you could excuse him for walking about the place topless all the time. "Kold's a cunning old codger and make no mistake. Remember the twelve dancing princesses? Vegetasei never could pin their murders on him. I wonder who got close enough to pull the wool over his eyes…"

"Bet you anything it was Sauza who got contracted," said the shortest of their party, a round, green-skinned Bas-jin who rather resembled a sprout with four eyes. "Slickest assassin in the Kingdom – everyone wants his number."

"Can't be that slick if everyone knows him," Burter observed lightly.

Jeice gave an exaggerated shudder. "I don't like that guy. He's mental."

Guldo sniffed. "Eccentric."

"Eccentric in a _mental_ way."

"How many times do I have to tell you to keep that mouth shut?" Ginyu growled. "It doesn't matter who's poisoned him. What matters is who's up for the job after Kold's pushing up the daisies."

The Saurian nodded solemnly. "I wouldn't like to see Frieza on the throne. You hear what he did to his brother? Nasty way to go, the acid swamps."

Recoome grunted again. Evidently a thought had entered his thick skull. The Captain glared at Jeice.

"What I dun' understand is how we've got a funeral procession goin' through the street when he's not dead yet. Kind've punctured, ain't it?"

"Punctual, Recoome," Guldo corrected, haughtily. "_Punctual._"

"It's not punctual. It's before punctual. It's flippin' morbid, is what," Jeice grumbled. Morbid was a funny word for him to use, considering the line of work he was involved in often left his unfortunate clients stuttering, 'I-I-I'll give y-you all my gold if you d-don't break the other leg!"

The castle towers glittered above them, their walls pale green and flickering gold under the light of the twin moons and the torch-lit procession. A red flag hung from the western tower – the King's chambers.

"It'll turn black when he's dead, right?" said Jeice, staring at the window. "Wonder how long it'll take. Might place a bet down the bookies later, eh Bur-"

And then he saw her. A shimmersilk drape had been pushed aside for a pale, heart-shaped face to peer out the window at the on-looking crowd. She was beautiful, despite the grimace on her face. Her hair was long and pale as the sun, and her eyes held a regal quality about them. He was surprised at the lack of make-up she wore. Most of the women in his life spent hours painting their faces thick with the stuff, the overall effect looking something like the aftermath of an encounter with a wasps' nest.

The girl's eyes met his for the briefest of moments, then shifted to King Kold's premature funeral procession and glowered.

Jeice swallowed. The mere sight of her had kick-started something in the pit of his stomach; something primal and wild and if he'd known what those adjectives meant, he might have been wise enough to look away and forget all about her.

Burter frowned, raising an eye-ridge at his friend, half tempted to wave a hand in front of the smaller man's eyes. "Oi, Jeice? You okay? I _told_ you not to eat that thing at the back of the ship earlier…"

Jeice wanted to say something witty and smart, in the vain hope that the girl in the tower might overhear him. Instead, all he managed was, "Nyuh."

Captain Ginyu threw the stub of his cigarette on the road and motioned to his crew. "Let's go. I'm not hanging around until that son of a bitch croaks his last."

"Aye, how about heading over to _the Tilted Wig_?" Recoome proposed, eagerly. "I like that Launch girlie. She made eyes at me last time, didn't she Cap?"

The Captain gave him a sidelong glance. "That's because you were chewing on the table-leg."

"And then she brought out that musketoon," Guldo added, miserably.

Recoome grinned at the memory. "Yeah, I love it when they shoot at me."

They left the bustling crowds, Jeice trailing slowly after them in order to catch one last glance at the girl in the window, but the drape had fallen back into place and she was gone.

He was so caught up in the empty window that he failed to notice the changing of the flag from red to black.

**oOo**

King Kold lay stony and silent in his bed; his last breath seemed to echo throughout the halls of the Imperial Palace. A girl was weeping by his bedside.

Prince Frieza laid a hand on her shoulder. "A great loss to the Kingdom, my dear, but an even greater loss of the heart, I think." He paused for dramatic effect. "I can only hope to serve the country as faithfully as my father did."

He smiled, but it was not an endearing smile by any means; rather, it was the smile of a Scrum mugger, having just spotted a lonely merchant taking a shortcut through a dark alleyway that he knew came to a dead end.

The grip on her shoulder tightened.

The Princess pulled away, stepping angrily to her feet. "You might be able to charm everyone else in your self-serving cabinet, Frieza – but do _not_ think you can pull the wool over my eyes." She strode towards the door, her shrouded handmaidens hastily skittering after her, then paused, adding firmly, "If you think the throne is yours, you are sorely mistaken."

Then she turned and left the dead King's chambers.

The Prince's fixed smile slithered off his face, red eyes narrowing at the doorway. "It is a great pity when beauty is wasted on common women such as our dearly beloved Princess. Perhaps she'll burn at the stake with a little more dignity."

"Indeed, Sire." The Prince's Right Hand inclined his head, then said, tentatively, "What do you think she could have meant by-"

"Isn't it obvious, Zarbon?" Frieza laughed bitterly, leaning down to clasp his father's icy chin between two fingers. "My dear father has managed to deceive me one final time before travelling on the long road down." He sneered at Kold's empty eyes. "I am not yet King."

Zarbon's delicate mouth opened in surprise. "But…Surely, your father would have chosen someone of Ice-jinn descent? The Princess is without Royal pedigree, without status, without roots-"

Frieza raised his hand. "It will be dealt with."

Zarbon shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "But Sire, after your brother's disappearance and your father's death, the people are sure to suspect a hand other than Vegetasei's…"

"Naturally." Frieza smiled. "Then we shall name one. Perhaps this will work in my favour, Zarbon. The people love the Princess. Imagine how angry they'll be when they find her murdered by agents of Vegetasei."

He bent down and laid a kiss on the King's brow.

"Perhaps even angry enough to start a war."

**oOo**

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**A/N: **Please review and let me know what you think of it so far! Cheers guys!x


	2. The Tilted Wig

Thank you very much for your kind comments! I really appreciate them and they certainly helped me get my ass into gear with this chapter. Just a quick note, the Saiyan briefly mentioned in this chapter is not my own creation - he belongs to the very talented **Caith** (go read her fics!).

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**RumBuggery!  
**The Tilted Wig

Nobody liked _The Tilted Wig_, but they went there anyway because it was above ground (literally speaking that is; certainly not in any metaphorical sense). The whores did not smell of fish, there were only a few rats and if you needed to sober up fast it was very handy for the docks. This convenience worked twice as well if you needed to drown someone quick.

_The Tilted Wig_ welcomed any and all patrons: Changelings, Humans, Solians, Bas-jin, ghouls, ogres and even the occasional Saiyan, but considering the history of bloodshed between the Kingdom of Kold and the Kingdom of Vegetasei, they tended not to hang around too long or, indeed, much longer than expected…

The Ginyus frequented _The Tilted Wig_ and were just as frequently booted out of it. This night, however, the attendant at the bar was more engrossed in any news his customers might have of the King's imminent demise to notice their unwelcome presence; after all, he'd put forty credits down that the old coot would croak before midnight.

The tavern room was packed with all sorts of uncomplicated beings doing uncomplicated things, like getting plastered and forgetting the words to songs, but there was a definite buzz in the air tonight. Death was a favourite topic of discussion in Scrum and considering most sports and daily activities revolved around it, this came as no surprise. Certainly, you didn't need to get a qualification or a job in the Guilds in order to be adept at dying. Anyone could do it. But a _King_ dying – well, that was something special.

Captain Ginyu led his crew towards their usual haunt by the fireplace, a horned figure of intimidation (despite the feathered tricorn hat atop his head). A little pig-man was sitting in his favourite chair, ogling one of the passing waitresses. A shadow passed over him. He turned his snout upwards. Ginyu smiled congenially.

"How kind of you to offer up your seat." He lifted the pig by the scruff of his neck. "Men! Buy this good pig a drink on me."

"N-No, no, that's alright, Sir!" the pig squealed. "Just glad to be of assistance, your grace."

"Ah, but I am nothing if not a gentleman. Proper protocol must be adhered to. Recoome!"

Recoome leered. "Aye, Captain."

He took the pig in one vast meaty hand and strode out of the tavern. There was a squeal. Then a splash. Then Recoome's large frame filled the doorway again, grinning toothily.

"Sank like a rock."

"Well he should have said he wasn't thirsty," said Ginyu, waving an airy hand.

They ordered a round of drinks large enough to drown a small elephant and began discussing the King's rumoured assassination.

"So you think it was a Bounty then, Cap'?" said Burter, considered something of an intellectual amongst the crew because his tattoos were spelled correctly.

Jeice snorted. "You really think Kold died of _natural_ causes? The bloke's built like a brick-shithouse."

Guldo shuddered. "Vulgar expression. What's a brick-shithouse anyway?"

Jeice paused to mull this over, eventually concluding, "A brick house with shit in it?" He waved Guldo off before the other could interrupt. "Look, anyway, what's the big difference if he was killed by a bounty or by a big stinkin' cold?"

"A big bag of cash," Burter replied.

Ginyu pulled a pack of tobacco from his pocket and began to roll a second cigarette. "You can say farewell to easy times if that son of his gets the throne. Kold may have been a lot of things, but if it weren't for him there'd be no truce with Vegeta-sei."

The floorboards trembled as Recoome's volcanic voice rumbled into the air. "Yeh, ah don't fink he was a bad kind or feller for a murderous tyrannosaur."

"_Tyrant_, Recoome," Guldo corrected patiently, "but good attempt, you're getting better."

Burter rolled his crimson eyes. "Stop training him like he's your own personal pet."

Ginyu's fingers tucked the tobacco into the paper and raised the completed cigarette to his lips, lighting it with a ball of glowing energy from his index finger. He breathed a thick cloud of acrid smoke across the table, then continued. "Frieza's always wanted to get his grubby little hands on Kold's throne. But killing his father off so soon after Cooler's disappearance…" He took another puff. "You'd think that'd be too risky a move for him."

"Maybe, but who would have the balls to convict Frieza of anything?" said Burter. "I mean he'll have his loyal followers at the palace and anyone else who feels like flying the red flag of justice, Frieza can just buy off, right?"

Ginyu steepled his fingers together. "Hmm. There's always that Princess. I'd wager she's pretty loyal to Kol-"

Several glasses clattered to the floor, smashing one after the other, their sticky, frothy contents flying in the face of a very irritable Ginyu. Jeice was leaning over the table, wide-eyed and apparently unaware of the death glares Recoome and Guldo were sending his way due to the loss of their beverages.

"A Princess?! What's she look like?!"

"Don't interrupt my train of leaderish thought, you greasy cess-trawler!" Ginyu roared, slamming his glass on the table. "Now shut your mouth and get drunk. That's an order!"

Jeice winced. He couldn't explain why, but a part of him – that hot, tight knot in the pit of his stomach that had formed the moment he'd laid eyes on that pale face in the window – desperately wanted to press the Captain for further information, but a stronger part of him knew that Ginyu had a tendency to deal out terminal and definitive retribution to anyone who disobeyed a direct order.

He sat back in his seat, swallowing the remainder of his Terradian Snapdragon, swearing under his breath and glumly avoiding the look of vague concern Burter threw him.

"I heard that the Princess isn't even an Ice-jin, so it's not like she'd ever be a threat to Frieza," said Guldo, then snorted derisively. "Besides, a _woman_ on the throne? Ha! Couldn't think of anything worse.

Jeice glowered at him. "_Ah_ could."

"Hmph. Well," Ginyu waved his hands vaguely, apparently bored with the conversation now that it seemed his crew knew more about the topic than he did, "it doesn't matter. Kold's still alive, last I heard."

"What?!" an amused female voice squawked from behind him. "You fellers ain't heard yet? Kold's dead as a bleeding doornail! His lights are out. He's ceased to be. He's popped his clogs, had his lot and shuffled off his royal mortal coil."

Recoome blinked slowly, then turned to his fellow crewmates. "She tryin' to tell us somethin' or what?"

"Silence!" Ginyu snapped. His temper was rising. He did not like being shown up as a fool, especially by a woman. "When did this happen?" he asked, narrowing his red eyes at the swaying figure sitting on a stool behind him.

The woman propped one clawed hand on a broad hip, cocking a grin that showed off pointed eye-teeth as one ripped grey wolf's ear swivelled in the smoky darkness, catching noise from all around. A tail wagged behind her. Indeed, she gave off the impression she'd be wagging a tail even if she didn't have one.

"About ten minutes ago, give or take." She drained her tankard of ale, burped loudly, then raised the empty container to the bar. "Give us another round over here, cue-ball!"

"It's _Krillen!_" the bar-tender snapped.

"S'what I said!" She turned in her seat to face a far more amiable crew (after all, a free drink in Scrum could turn your worst enemy into your soulmate) and stretched out a hand to the Captain. "Saku Ookami, South-side exterminator."

"Oh yeah," said Guldo, a shade sarcastically. "What do you exterminate?"

She gave a loose shrug of her shoulders. "Ah dunno. Bugs, rodents." She hiccupped. "People." A young waitress laid the next round of drinks on the table. Saku picked her tankard and stared at the bubbling contents, musingly. "Course, it wasn't me who did the number on Kold."

"So he was offed." Jeice whistled. "Blimey. Poor bugger."

Ginyu leaned closer to the woman, lowering his voice to a mere boom. "You know who murdered him, then?"

"I might do." She hiccupped. "Then again, I'm very drunk. I might know a lot of things. Who're you again?"

"If it was Sauza, yeh can bet yer arse a bit of magic was involved. Ah mean," Jeice lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "they say he's a bit of a wizard, that one. And mental as a fruitbat."

"He's not freakin' mental!" Guldo argued, who had a secret shrine of newspaper clippings and signed photos of the notorious bounty hunter stashed under his hammock aboard _the Merry Milk Dud_. "He's _eccentric!_"

"Eccentrically mental!" Jeice snapped, scuffing the Bas-jin across the back of his head.

The woman scratched her nose thoughtfully. "I don't know about that. But then, I don't like magic much. In my experience, anything that can't be disposed of with a few good kicks is best steered clear of altogether."

"You have a bit in common with the Captain," Burter muttered quietly.

Ginyu sighed. He'd met Sauza before. Certainly there was something odd about the man. He never uttered a single word, just _looked_ at you through those two glassy blue eyes and that was enough. No mortal man should move the way he did. Really, ten minutes in the assassin's company and Ginyu had felt he wanted to crawl back home to his mother and become an honest, hard-working citizen again, because Sauza's presence made your skin crawl in a way that made you want to scrub it clean from the inside out. Maybe Sauza did know a bit of magic, but Ginyu had a sick feeling that was just an excuse.

"Ish our little blonde Princess you wanna worry about, boys," said the exterminator, slapping her thigh and clinking her tankard against Recoome's head with a dull 'thunk'. "See, from what I hear – and I hear a lot," she said, twitching her ears, "the Princess's next in line for the throne. Which means, y'know, next in line for…" She made a dragging motion across her throat with her hand.

The Ginyus' looked surprised; even Recoome, who seemed to have cottoned on to the current thread in conversation, occasionally turning cross-eyed due to the amount of strain on his brain cells. Jeice, on the other hand, turned white, toppled off his seat into a passing changeling and started a fight, which took seconds to develop into a fully fledged bar brawl.

"But the Princess isn't even an Ice-jin," said Burter, ignoring the bottles and occasional body flying over his head. "She was just part of some peace pact Kold made years ago with that Kingdom in the South, right?"

"Well, y'see-" Saku stopped. There was a blur, and a knife shuddered into the table where her hand had been moments before. She quirked her mouth at the hilt vibrating in the table. A skull and bones motif was engraved around its edge. She stood, swaying a little, and pocketed the knife, then smiled guiltily at the Ginyus. "Duty calls!" she hiccupped. "By the way, your lad's being tossed about a bit in there," she added, jabbing a thumb at Jeice who was in the thick of the fight and using the barman as a weapon against the changeling he'd disturbed.

Ginyu grunted. "Mmmh, with any luck they'll crack his head open."

He watched with vague interest as the woman left _The Tilted Wig_ with a tall, thin, spidery Saiyan in black, his features obscured by the smoke from the lit cigarette at his lips. For a split second, the man met Ginyu's gaze, purple eyes to red.

"Men," Ginyu said softly, which meant that his voice only echoed two blocks away, "_follow that wench_."

Burter and Guldo blinked back at him. They were the only two Ginyus remaining seated around the table beside him. Recoome was lost to the bar fight and currently gnawing on someone's leg.

Burter raised both eye-ridges at the Captain, surprised. "Any reason we're stalking an exterminator?"

"I didn't think she was your type, Captain," said Guldo, adding, "I didn't think she'd be _anyone's_ type…"

"Don't be moronic!" Ginyu growled, turning his glass upside down on the Bas-jin's head. "We're out to investigate. My highly developed sixth sense and hitherto unsurpassed powers of observation tell me that damn dog of a woman knows more than she should do. And that kind of information sells well on the markets. JEICE! Stop getting your ass handed to you on a platter and get over here! RECOOME! Heel!"

The Ginyus tumbled out through the doors of _The Tilted Wig_, Jeice sporting a swollen black eye and split lip, and Recoome minus a few dozen teeth.

"Soon ah'll lose der whole set!" He grinned, proudly.

It was almost midnight. A thick sea fog was rolling in from the docks, filling the ghostly streets of Scrum. The drums at the palace had changed to a steadier, sadder beat. There was no sign of the intoxicated exterminator and her spidery Saiyan accomplice.

"Cap', yeh don't think we should, y'know, get t' the palace or somethin'?" Jeice asked, swallowing a mouthful of blood and gagging slightly.

Ginyu stopped in his tracks, turned and stared so intensely at his rigger's bloody face that Jeice began to sweat. "And why on earth would we do that?" he said in a tone that threatened interminable agony.

Guldo sniggered from the sidelines, always happy to see Jeice earn a nice beating or two from the Captain.

"Well…" Jeice trailed off. This was certainly a first for him. He'd never lost his tongue before. Neither had he felt so bleeding stupid over a woman before. Maybe he was sick? At length, he feebly offered, "To get in some culture?"

A vein on Ginyu's forehead throbbed with barely contained rage. Jeice was only saved from an early demise by Recoome's sudden high-pitched squeal. The Ginyus watched in surprise as the hulking man spun around, grabbed Burter by the throat and punched him square in the jaw.

"Ah ain't into no sissy stuff, you got that?!"

"What the Hell are you talking about?" Burter grimaced, rubbing his aching jaw. "And what did you go and punch me there for? That's my _face_."

"Ah was being thoughtful!" Recoome bellowed. "There's plenty worse places ah can fink of punchin', so grab my arse again and ah'll-"

"Grab your arse?" Burter repeated, in disbelief. "I didn't grab anything."

"Well _someone_ did! Captain!"

Ginyu sighed. "I'd rather not discuss the subject of your posterior, thank you."

Guldo gasped in horror. "What is _that?_"

"Bloody 'ell, Recoome!" said Jeice, turning the larger man around by the elbow. "Yeh've got a bleeding arrow stuck in yer arse, yeh half-wit!"

"Oh." There was a long pause as the Limbic system in Recoome's miniscule brain began to process the information his buttocks was sending it. "…Owe."

"There's a note attached." Jeice unravelled the parchment from the arrow and began to attempt to read. "Deer Sirs. Deer? Funny way to start a letter. Think they shot at the wrong arse, Cap'?

"Give me that!" Ginyu snatched the parchment from his rigger's hands and read in silence, lips moving wordlessly. Eventually, he said, "It's a summons."

"To where?" Burter asked, taking the parchment for himself, being the only other Ginyu with reading skills.

"The palace," Ginyu replied, looking uncharacteristically troubled. "They've got a job for us."

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Please let me know what you think, I love to hear your comments guys! For Jeice x Saku fanart, go check out my Deviantart page :)


	3. The Princess

**A/N****:** So sorry it's taken this long to update. I can't thank people enough for the wonderful reviews so far. I really didn't think this story would get any attention at all, so it's great to know people are reading. Thanks guys!

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**RumBuggery!  
**The Princess

The city of Scrum was infamous throughout the world as the mercantile capital of the Kold Kingdom. Running through the centre of the metropolis was the river Mourn, the most polluted waterway on the land, whose mouth opened onto the Great Sea that divided Kold and the reputed barbarian kingdom of the Saiyans in the East. Eventually all the hard-headed heroes and villainous sorcerers of the world would pass through Scrum, a frequent setting for dodgy dealings and iniquitous activity. Course, most of the heroes who entered Scrum left the city a villain, or indeed, did not leave at all.

One such hero was standing on a hilltop overlooking the city, looking windswept and generally very dashing in his concealing dark cloak and hood. He appeared to be looking at the Ice-jin palace with considerable interest. The palace was situated north of the Mourn; a glittering ivory and emerald jewel in an otherwise grotty medieval city reeking of manure and other pungent smells native only to Scrum.

Behind him, two figures stood waiting. The taller of the two was definitely a Saiyan, spidery, lean, and clad entirely in black. Over his arm was slung a nasty looking sickle and chain that rather suggested he wasn't visiting for a holiday. A lit cigarette slowly burned at his lips.

His shorter partner was gnawing on a chicken leg and leaning on what looked like a very large and ancient stone hammer, inscribed with little squiggles and lines that were most likely runes of some sort. She huffed impatiently, tearing into the bone. A dramatic windswept hilltop was not the place for someone suffering a horrendous hangover. Neither did she enjoy long, drawn-out silences as her companions appeared to.

"Ookami?" said the cloaked man.

"Yeah?"

"You said you met the Ginyus last night."

"Yeah. Well, they sure resembled the wanted posters. They came into the _Tilted Wig_ around eleven, just after Kold croaked." Finishing her breakfast, Saku Ookami tossed the meat-stripped bone to the grass. "Frieza's hired them at the palace for a job – bodyguards for the Princess. I would've got more chat out of them too, if it weren't for the monkey here." She jabbed her thumb at the taller man.

The Saiyan stirred and narrowed his already narrow eyes to mere slits. "You were the one flapping your gums, wolf."

Saku tapped her nose conspiratorially. "Tricks of the trade, my monkey friend. I was trying to gain Ginyu's confidence. Hard job. He's one shrewd bastard."

"Then he'll likely know a ruse when one presents itself." The cloaked man pulled back his hood, revealing a young and irritatingly handsome face, framed by curtains of purple hair. "Suspicions over Kold and Cooler's deaths are already rising. Frieza will want to cover his tracks and make himself look good by being seen to actively protect the Princess."

"Right, right," said Saku, waving an airy hand, "and when she's offed, Frieza will cover his tail by framing them with agents of Vegeta-sei."

"Likely Ginyu's lot," the tall Saiyan finished, breathing a cloud of smoke over her head. "Frieza's looking to start a second war."

"And my father wouldn't complain at that," the younger man conceded, bowing his head. "He lives for war."

The spidery Saiyan raised a thin eyebrow. "What you're doing could be considered treason, my Lord."

Trunks twitched. "I know that. But maybe there's still a chance of resolving this situation peacefully before we return home."

Saku eyed the young man doubtfully. If he and his Saiyan accomplice entered Scrum it was unlikely that either would return home to Vegeta-sei at all, unless they were caught by a current in the Mourn and happened to float past. As a rule, she did not like heroes. The heroes she had encountered were always brooding, suicidally gloomy and tragic, and no fun on a night out. They never forked out for a round.

The half-Saiyan, Prince Trunks, seemed to fit this bill perfectly.

"You think this is a bad idea," Trunks stated, catching the look on her face.

"Of course not," she easily lied. "Just a walk in the woods."

His icy gaze hardened. "Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."

"By woods I meant Terror Forest," she corrected herself, grinning shamelessly.

Trunks did not smile. "I don't know why Caithion recommended you as our guide, you flea-bitten dog, but the gold I've paid you had better ensure you carry out the job description," he said importantly, all Princely tones. "One foot out of line and I'll slit your throat myself."

"I thought Princes were supposed to be charming," she muttered jadedly.

He gave her a measured stare, then folded his arms haughtily. "I'm not your typical Prince."

"Of course you're not." She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight against the hammer. "They never are."

"We're only here for one thing," said Trunks, turning his gaze back to the imperial Ice-jin palace. "Frieza wants that throne. I'm here to see he doesn't get it," he growled. "Whatever the cost."

**oOo**

Often, and for no discernable reason whatsoever, you will meet a person who you take such an instant dislike to that driving a nail through your hand seems almost preferable to shaking theirs. Jeice was experiencing this feeling right now.

Zarbon smiled, but with his mouth only. It wasn't a welcoming smile. In fact, it looked like he'd just swallowed a pint of turps. Jeice rather hoped he had.

Captain Ginyu didn't look too impressed with their greeting either, Jeice noted, though that might have had something to do with the number of crossbows currently pointed at their heads. Still, Ginyu had that look of wary suspicion he got whenever an academic was around, and Zarbon was most certainly an academic; he practically reeked of words. Jeice glowered. It was the first time he had met an academic face to face before, not counting Burter of course – but then Jeice's idea of an academic was someone who could think without moving his lips.

"The Great Captain Ginyu and his group of merry buccaneers, I presume?" Zarbon drawled, with a humourless smile. "Naturally your reputation precedes you."

"Naturally," Ginyu replied, levelly.

Zarbon raised his chin thoughtfully, regarding the ragtag group of mangy pirates before him with eyes as small and hard as gold beads. Vaguely, he waved a beringed hand to the soldiers stationed around the palace audience room. Instantly, they lowered their weapons and filed out of the room, leaving Zarbon alone in the company of the Ginyus.

"You will of course be wondering why it is my Lord has summoned you here. I confess, I have voiced my concerns over this decision, but it appears you come quite highly recommended." He procured a rolled parchment from inside his robes and read, "Rum-running, piracy, murder, arson… the theft of Princess Snake's prized golden goat."

Recoome shrugged. "I was hungry."

"Quite." Zarbon cleared his throat delicately. "In any case, you have proven yourself incredible, though perhaps slightly misguided, warriors. No doubt you will have heard the news of the King's passing."

"It came to my attention, yes," said Ginyu.

"Hmm. What you may not know is that we are treating the King's death as highly suspicious."

"That so?"

"Yes."

"Quite."

"Indeeed."

Jeice glanced from Zarbon to his Captain. Some invisible battle of wills was being fought between them. The tension in the air was almost tangible.

"We have of course the finest men guarding my Lord Frieza night and day, however, our dear Princess Bass is our main concern, being next in line for the throne," Zarbon explained.

"Feh. How can a _woman_ be expected to take the throne?" scoffed Guldo. "She's not even Ice-jinn, is she?"

"The late King Kold was given to many eccentricities, his adoption of Lady Bass being one of them. And here I come to my point. Now please listen very carefully," said Zarbon amiably, "otherwise we shall have to kill you. Which would be a shame. We've just had the floor waxed. Great pity to dirty it."

"Understandable," Ginyu conceded. "A finely waxed floor is a man's pride."

Zarbon inclined his head. "I'm glad we see eye to eye."

Jeice was now positive Zarbon had about twenty-two seconds to live. He'd seen the veins on the Captain's head swell with rage, but he'd never actually heard them pop before.

"You are to be employed as bodyguards for the Princess until the perpetrators behind the King's death are found, hanged and tried," said Zarbon. "You may of course leave the palace grounds any time you like, but I would not attempt to leave the city. You won't get far."

"And what is our payment?"

"Your lives."

"Good deal, Captain," Burter muttered quietly.

Ginyu was choking with barely contained rage. "Doesn't look like we have much of a choice now, does it, _Zarbon_?" he said at length. "Where is this Princess?"

Now a small smirk reached Zarbon's eyes. "I'm glad you asked. I'll be happy to introduce you now. Follow me."

Grudgingly, the Ginyus followed Zarbon's lead, clumsily slipping and sliding their way across the polished marble floor of the entrance hall, up one grand flight of stairs and through a labyrinth of criss-crossing richly decorated corridors that made Jeice realise even if he wanted to bolt for it, he wouldn't be able to find his way out again. Bolting was the last thing on his mind, regardless. Recoome, Burter and Guldo looked positively miserable, but Jeice could barely keep the grin off his face. He was going to meet her – _her!_ And no doubt, given five minutes alone, the princess would fall for him. He'd never had a problem there. And he'd heard women loved that whole bodyguard scene. It was the perfect romance.

"You're drooling-" Guldo remarked.

Jeice glowered. "Whatsit to you?"

"-onto my _head_, you reprobate!"

They came at last to a set of double doors, intricately carved with a pair of ornate golden handles in the centre; spared no expense. Zarbon rapped on the door once, then entered without waiting for admittance. The air in Jeice's lungs turned hot and his stomach made an Olympic flip. A slim, blonde-haired girl was sitting amongst a group of handmaidens in the middle of a very large, but modestly decorated audience room. The sight of her caused a shock that frazzled Jeice's brain, rendering him speechless.

"Close your mouth, you muskrat of a cheeseblock," Ginyu ordered shortly. "You're in the presence of a lady."

"Your Royal Highness, if you don't mind," prompted the Princess, then turned to her handmaidens. "Sayoko, Lunch, please excuse us."

The handmaidens bowed and left the room.

"I think I will excuse myself too, my Lady," said Zarbon, with a short incline of his head. "I think it prudent to allow you time to get to know your bodyguards. Please call if you need any assistance." He turned to the Ginyus. "I shall send someone down to escort you to your rooms shortly."

"We're staying _here?_" Guldo squawked, a greedy light in his four eyes, salivating at the thought of rubbing shoulders with the obscenely rich. "Finally, I'm moving up in the world."

Zarbon smiled. "I shall see myself out. Good day, my Lady."

The Princess smiled sweetly. "Good day."

The door closed. The smile dropped from the Princess's green eyes like a stone. A dark, angry shadow crossed her face as she turned to look at them.

Jeice took his opportunity, stepping forwards and sweeping her hand up to his mouth with the most dashing smile he could muster. "Glad t' be of service, M'lady. Ah'm Jeice Scarlocke, but you can call me anythin' you like." He winked. "And may ah say yer beauty is comparable to a summer's day – why it even surpasses that of the Carpathian crystal deserts." Or at least that's what he wanted to say. In reality, what came out was a mouthful of jumbled words that sounded, at best, foreign and no where near flattering. He was also alarmingly aware of the fact that he'd accidentally grogged on her hand.

She scowled at him.

The back of Ginyu's hand found Jeice's skull, the force of the blow doubling him over. "One more romantic word out of you and I'll hang you off the port bow, do you hear me?!" Ginyu bellowed.

"Y-Yes, Cap'n!" Jeice squawked, rubbing his head. "Sorry, Cap'n!"

"And stop that sycophantic blubbering too. Have you no mind of your own?!"

"No, Cap'n! Ah mean yes, Cap'n! Ah mean ...uh...what?"

Ginyu sighed jadedly. "Bilge slobbering clod."

"Cheers, Cap'n!"

A hand slammed against a wall. Princess Bass looked positively livid. "Do you honestly take me for a complete and utter _fool_?! I _know_ what you are! Your pirates – assassins. Don't you dare come here thinking I'm some pretty blonde pushover who will so readily roll over into my grave like those before me. I will _not_ let that twisted puffed up lizard take my throne and you will _not_ stand in my way!" She shouted, her words coming out like white hot lashes. "And if you think for one second that I'm going to allow a bunch of jumped up, greasy, drivelling, rum-loving, badly dressed galoots follow me around night and day-"

"B-Badly …dressed…" Ginyu choked, his face turning violet. "How DARE you-!"

"-you have another thing coming! And believe me, if you so much as glance in my direction; if you so much as BREATHE near me, nothing Zarbon or Lord Frieza could ever dish out will come close to the physical and mental torture I shall personally put you through."

"NOW JUST A MINUTE!" Ginyu hollered, slamming his fist down on a dressing table so hard that it shattered into thousands of splinters. "I'M the Captain here, so _I_ do all the shouting! Rest assured I have no doubt that your mere company is physical and mental anguish enough and preferable to the pits and the ring combined, WE have a job to do and Captain Ginyu never goes back on his word. SAVY?" He wrenched open the bedroom door. "Good day, your_ HIGHNESS,_" he bellowed, then slammed the door shut so hard behind him that the light fitting in the princess's room came crashing down on Recoome's head.

An eerie silence filled the Princess's audience chamber. The remaining Ginyus were left standing in the room, fidgeting uncomfortably.

"Hmm. Yes. Well…" Guldo began, glancing around. "Like what you've done with the place."

The princess seethed.

Burter swallowed. "We'll …just…get out of your hair now. But we'll be around, so, er, call if you need us…just in case you think anyone's trying to murder you."

"Not that we think anyone would want to!" Guldo piped in, quickly.

"I might," Recoome grunted, removing the chandelier from around his head.

Jeice loosed a nervous laugh and plastered his hand over the large man's mouth. "Ha! He likes t' joke. Ah mean, like, who'd wanna do a thing like that, eh?! Eh?" He grinned, earning himself the kind of look that meant leaving the room fast would lengthen his lifespan by a considerable number of years.

In one synchronised movement, the Ginyus made a mad dash for the door, wrenching it open and leaping into the corridor in heap of limbs.

**oOo**

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**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed that chapter. Next we'll get into the romance more (or Jeice's failed attempts at romance). lol - I wonder what pairing people prefer so far (let me know, haha!)


	4. The Deal

**RumBuggery!**

The Deal

Evil is debatable.

Where evil is prescribed to one course of action by one fellow, another will undoubtedly prescribe upon it an act of necessity; of meaning, or good will. Those men and women deemed evil by one party are heroes to another.

Prince Frieza was nobody's hero. Prince Frieza was well aware of what he was. Frankly he would not have it any other way, for good individuals, he had observed, were ruled by a set of socially prescribed morals (what they called their 'hearts'), which were notorious for getting in the way of politics, important red-tape matters and the tricky assassination of family members, particularly those in line for the throne.

Prince Frieza was perfectly content with what he was. He might have called himself happy, had he the stomach for happiness. He enjoyed his own thin, frosty smile, but Frieza could not abide evidence of happiness on his subjects' faces. Happy people, he thought, were tediously dull, for happy people lived purely for the present with no thought or care for meticulous scheming and planning for a future in which his royal profile was stamped on every doubloon from Scrum to West City. Frieza often had these few happy individuals shot on sight.

He stepped over the recumbent body of one such previously happy subject, beckoning with a slight nod of his pale head for Zarbon to fall into step.

"Our guests are settled then?"

"Yes, My Lord. I had Cui direct them to their chambers after dinner. But I must confess…" Zarbon stopped himself.

Frieza turned his small red eyes towards him. "Yes?"

"Nothing, My Lord. A mere slip of the tongue." Zarbon had learned that voicing your own opinions around Prince Frieza very quickly got you fired. Usually out of a canon. Still, Zarbon could not stop his upper lip from curling in distaste at the thought of the Ginyu pirates and their infamous Captain.

Frieza chuckled. "My dear man, if you have one fault it is your complete incapability of lying for social purposes. Naturally, as my Royal Advisor, I value your wise counsel. Come. Enlighten me with your hitherto unsurpassed wisdom."

Zarbon swallowed thickly. The last Royal Advisor to advise Prince Frieza had been turned inside out. Still, refusing a thinly disguised order from Frieza was about as clever as kicking a beehive and sticking around to see what would happen next.

"I simply…" he paused to choose his wording carefully, "…_distrust_ our guests."

Frieza chuckled unpleasantly. "Of course you do. They're pirates, not priests."

Zarbon shook his head. "But My Lord, Captain Ginyu is no mere pirate. He is a shrewd businessman and a sharp wit. My research led me to some interesting information regarding his history. Ginyu was no mere rogue born into poverty. He is an educated man from a family of great repute-"

"Cease your pretentious poppycock, Zarbon, you're as dry as an old woman's purse," Frieza yawned delicately. "I'm well aware of Ginyu's history, more specifically his connections. Indeed, it is due to Ginyu's reputation that I chose him for our little problem regarding the Princess. After all, King Vegeta would never choose ordinary pirates to do his dirty work, would he?" He lowered his voice. "We must be shrewd, Zarbon, if we are to succeed in claiming what is rightfully mine by blood."

Zarbon inclined his head, but in his heart of hearts he knew Frieza's plan relied too heavily on a misplaced assumption of Captain Ginyu and his crew. Zarbon was a good judge of character and something about Ginyu's eyes told him the Captain had seen things few ordinary people had seen. There was a reason every sailor in every corner of every sea knew his name. The Captain was no pushover.

**oOo**

"You smell a scam, Captain?" Burter enquired, as they sat around their allocated shared quarters in the palace, all feeling comfortably bloated after the banquet that had been thrown in their honour.

Captain Ginyu was pacing as he so often did when lost in deep thought, a cloud of thick tobacco smoke drifting around his horned head. Finally, he paused at the window, his back to the crew.

"Captain?" Guldo prompted.

"This isn't a job opportunity," Ginyu muttered. "It's an order. Zarbon made that clear as day. He's got the dirt on us. If we refuse Frieza's damned request it'll be the Ring for all of us." He grimaced, stubbed his cigarette out and added, "If we're lucky."

The Ginyus exchanged a look that was less uneasy, more disappointed. They hadn't had a slap-up meal like the one the palace had dished out for them in many years and frankly it was nice eating something that didn't taste like the bottom of a fish tank or tried to take a bite out of you before you could take a bite out of it (Recoome wasn't much of a ship cook and tended to like his meat rare to living, but he had a fragile disposition when it came to his cooking and his shipmates simply did not have the heart to tell him it wasn't socially acceptable to have a conversation with your meal, particularly while you were digesting it). The sweet wine they had been given made them daydream of walking through far off sun-kissed vineyards and tasted nothing like the grog they were used to drinking (a liquid you could clean spoons with and was very effective at swabbing the deck). There were beds in their chambers too, stuffed with feathers of all things, soft and cushy – nothing like the moth-eaten hammocks and mattresses stuffed with bits of card and dried leaves aboard _The Merry Milk-dud_. And somehow the general reek of Scrum had not infiltrated the alabaster walls of the Ice-jin palace. The air was fresh and fragrant, and smelled faintly of flowers. There wasn't even a trace of manure in the air.

They had only lived a few hours in the lap of luxury, but that was more than enough to turn the heads of each member of the crew from their ship.

Not the Captain though, they each thought grimly. He was married to the sea. Probably literally. He was handsome in his own way, after all. Mermaids and water nymphs were always offering to put out for him.

Suddenly, Ginyu turned sharply towards Jeice, grabbing the younger man by the collar of his grubby shirt and yanking him up to eye level.

"YOU! BOY!"

Jeice gulped. "Yes Cap'n!"

"I've got a job for you, you spineless sycophantic cuttlefish," Ginyu flattered. "Tomorrow morning I want you to head into town and find that damned dog girl from _The Tilted Wig_. I want to know what she's heard on the streets with those ears of her's, got it? We need all the dirt we can dig up."

Jeice nodded fervently. "You c'n count on me, Cap'n."

Ginyu snorted doubtfully and turned to the rest of his crew. "Meanwhile, the rest of you keep constant vigilance while I do some digging of my own around this sea-forsaken pit of landlubbering scalliwags. Watch that Princess like a hawk. If my hunch is right, her end will be ours. Savy?"

"Aye, Captain!" the Ginyus chorused.

"And Jeice!" Ginyu pressed one large finger into Jeice's face, glaring hard. "If you embarrass me one more time like you did in front of that hoity-toity Princess, your good for nothing red arse will be dancing with figs! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes Cap'n! Everything but the dancing with figs part."

Ginyu deposited the younger man onto the floor and stormed towards the door, pausing only once in what he hoped would be a dramatic and inspiring pose, looked each crew member in the eye and whispered menacingly, "_Constant – Vigilance," _then closed the door behind him.

Burter gave a sigh. "You know he means business when he gets melodramatic."

"The Captain knows what he's doing," said Guldo haughtily, pulling on his red and white striped pyjamas and nightcap.

"Easy fer you to say. Least _you_ ain't an errand boy," Jeice grumbled sullenly, plonking his chin down on his hand. "You lot get to spend all day tomorrow ogglin' the Princess while ah've gotta hunt down a bloody wolf."

Guldo smirked nastily. "The Little Red Riding Hood analogy isn't lost on us, Jeice."

"Naff off, yeh green goon!" Jeice flipped him off. "And you've got some bloody cheek callin' _me_ little, yeh half-pint, four-eyed nob head!"

"Oh shut up!" Guldo snapped. "Just because you're bitter about making an ass of yourself in front of the Princess doesn't mean you can go around-" but Guldo's sentence was cut short by Jeice's fist connecting with his jaw with a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, and soon they were all fighting, a couple more of Recoome's teeth scattering across the polished floor, all except Burter who watched the action with the bored air of someone who witnessed this sort of thing on a daily occurrence. Casually, he reached across to his bed stand and picked up an old, worn book entitled, _Fayrees an' Faybles fer Pyrates._

Then he cleared his voice. The others stopped what they were doing and gave Burter a collective blank look.

"Do you want your bedtime story or not?" he asked, drumming his blue fingers on the cover of his book with a no-nonsense look. Immediately, the three pirates shuffled to attention and nodded expectantly. "Good. This one's called _Snow White and the Seven Pirates who Ran her through and Plundered her Gold_."

"Arrrr!" the Ginyus cheered.

**oOo**

Ginyu crept amongst great stacks of crates and barrels by the docks. Creeping was hard for a man of his size. Ginyu cut a very impressive figure, his infamous silhouette gracing wanted posters all around the globe. However, there was little need for his sneaking. Leaving the palace had been easy and this worried him. Frieza, it appeared, had given Ginyu and his crew free reign, which meant only one thing – even if they did manage to somehow secure their ship and flee Scrum and the kingdom of Icion altogether, there would be no escaping Frieza's grasp. The Prince would hunt them down until they had served the real purpose for which he had hired them for (that undoubtedly had bugger all to do with protecting the Princess).

Ginyu did not plan to let this knowledge hinder him, of course. He had a reputation to live up to and no one, particularly no spoiled genocidal Prince, was going to tell him what to do. What did he care if Frieza killed the Princess and took the throne? That's what royalty did. You had a higher chance of surviving into old age as a pirate than you did as royalty in most parts of the world. But Ginyu certainly wasn't going to allow his own neck to be wrung for the sake of a political squabble.

He peered at the ship bobbing gently on the rippling black waves in the harbour, her dark mast rising against the bright full moon. _The Merry Milk-dud_. Ginyu felt a pang in his chest. He knew Frieza would have some of his men stationed on the ship by now. The thought of the Prince's slimy henchmen crawling all over his deck made his blood boil. He had spent too much time and effort stealing that ship and carefully hand-picking each member of his crew to let it all be swiped out from beneath his feet in one day. Burter, his First Mate, was the fastest man with a throwing knife you'd ever seen (or seen too late, as it were); Recoome could crush a small elephant in one fist, which had come in very handy the day their ship was attacked by the dreaded aquatic pachyderm-serpent in the Wild Sea. Guldo's sharp eyesight made him perfect for spotting enemies and victims from the crow's nest, and Jeice…

Ginyu sighed. To be honest, he had never quite figured out why he had let the snot-nosed, scraggly punk of a kid onto his ship in the first place. In fact, he didn't remember ever agreeing to make him an official crew member. He had met the kid when Jeice had been a clumsy boy of thirteen who attracted danger like a lightning rod. Now Jeice was twenty and still knew as much about sailing as a fish does about riding a horse.

There was movement on his ship. He squinted his eyes and recognised the tell-tale armour of Frieza's soldiers and took in a sharp breath. There were at least twenty soldiers guarding the ship. There was no way he was escaping tonight. Ginyu cursed silently and resolved to find another way.

**oOo**

Morning came all too suddenly with a very rude awakening from Zarbon followed by a very uncomfortable breakfast with Princess Bass. Prince Frieza was still no where to be found, but Zarbon took a seat by the Princess's side and apologised for the Prince's absence. Then he inquired after Ginyu, who was himself absent, having not returned to the palace the previous night.

"Ginyu will not be joining us for breakfast then, I gather?" said Zarbon.

Burter shook his head politely. "The Captain always takes a morning stroll at this time," he lied. "Says it keeps his mind sharp."

"Thank goodness for small miracles," Bass commented lightly, pushing around her scrambled eggs with her fork.

Jeice gazed at her across a plate of bacon sarnies. It made his heart ache just to look at her. Once during the meal he thought she even caught his gaze and for a chest-splitting moment he knew they had just shared the most intimate few seconds either of them would ever experience in their entire lives.

Then she frowned and said, "Your hair is in your beans, by the way. I thought you should know."

The Princess's flock of loyal handmaidens broke into giggles behind her, joined by the non-too subtle sniggering from Guldo and Recoome. Jeice felt his face turn from red to scarlet as he tried to casually pull his mane of white hair out of the orange gloop.

When they returned to their chambers, Ginyu had still not come back.

"Where do you fink he's gone?" asked Recoome. "Fink he's gone and dun a runner?"

"Recoome! How can you possibly think that of our illustrious leader?" Guldo chided.

"I was just thinkin' out loud."

"Well don't," Guldo snapped. "It's hazardous for your health. Leave thinking to the experts."

Jeice rolled his eyes moodily. "Shut your porthole, Guldo."

"Guldo's right though," said Burter. "The Captain would never do a runner on us."

"So what do we do?" asked Recoome.

Burter shrugged. "Do what we're here to do. Watch over the Princess." He turned to Jeice. "You go and find that girl like the Captain told you. If something has happened to him, chances are she'll probably know about it."

"Fine," Jeice grumbled. After this morning's embarrassment he was actually glad to have the chance to escape the palace and the Princess's beautiful eyes for an hour or two.

"But what if Zarbon notices Jeice isn't here?" Guldo pointed out.

Recoome snorted. "That ain't goin' to happen. He can't take his eyes off that Princess. See the way he was lookin' at her? Bet he's got a thing going with her."

"They do look made for one another, don't they?" Guldo nodded sagely. "Like tragic lovers. Now Zarbon; there's a true gentlemen alright."

Recoome nodded. "Did you get a whiff of his hair?"

"Did I ever!" Guldo said, with a dreamy sort of sigh. "He's like a sweet-smelling dream…"

That was all Jeice could take. Now he knew precisely why he had taken such an instant dislike to Zarbon. "No self-respectin' bloke should smell of roses and springtime dew!" he hollered in their faces, then stormed out the door and slammed it behind him in a very good imitation of the Captain.

There was a thoughtful pause.

Then Burter said, "I thought he smelled more like a soft summer breeze, personally."

"Naw," Recoome disputed, "that was more the rich opulent essence of ruby Jasmine and lotus flower."

The others gawped at him. Recoome had the grace to blush.

**oOo**

Jeice stormed through the cobbled streets, past the early morning shoppers and vendors selling all sorts of weird, edible and usually deadly assortment of goods, and cursed himself for being too eager to agree to Ginyu's orders. He tried in vain to mentally picture the girl from _The Tilted Wig_, but all he could see in his mind's eye was a slim, blonde woman with blazing green eyes and his hair swimming about in a bowl of beans.

Feeling the blush rise to his cheeks again, he sat down at a ramen stall and cupped his head in his hands. Love was a terrible affliction, he decided. Even scurvy had to be preferable to this. Never before had Jeice had trouble with women. Hell, never before had only _one_ woman occupied his entire head. Normally there was room for at least another five. He tried to push the Princess out of his mind and focus on another girl, a girl with silver hair and a tail that wagged as often as she talked…

…And found her sitting beside him at the ramen stall, discussing the universe with the vendor as only another equally as inebriated could fully appreciate.

"Treasure map? Aye right. The only thing that guy showed me was the ceiling in his room, HAH! What a rat. I'll tell you somethin' my good, er…" Saku Ookami paused to squint at the old vendor who was more wrinkled than a bag of prunes, "whatever you are. Men exist only to trick women. They are the zit on the boil on the ass of humanity."

"Oi," Jeice greeted, sliding around on the bench beside her.

There was a long pause as Saku studied his face intensely through half-lidded eyes. "Oh! Jerome!"

He faltered. "_Jeice._"

"Where?"

Jeice groaned. "Jerome's fine."

"That's nice. Good for him. Hey, Baba, don't shtop the sake flowing – it'sh nearly Noon and I'm shtill quite shober."

The old woman refilled her cup and Saku tossed it down her throat. Jeice would have criticised her if it weren't for the fact drinking happened to be one of his favourite pastimes and he had no problem with drunk women – he rather favoured them. But right now was a time for sobriety.

"Listen lady," he said, leaning closer, "ah've got a couple of questions for you that the Cap'n wants answering."

"I'll bet he does," she said with a wink and downed another sake. Then she slung an arm around his shoulders and said, "You have very pretty hair… It smells like beans."

Jeice bit his lip. "It's a special conditioner!"

"Course it is, course it is," Saku nodded, patting his thigh in a very patronising manner. "You …are a very… pretty woman." She hiccupped. "And dun' let no-one tell you otherwise!" Then she dropped her head into his lap and began snoring blissfully.

Jeice quirked his mouth then turned to the vender. "Cheque please."

**oOo**

Jeice stood in an empty circular courtyard and eyed the well before him. Then his green eyes flicked to the woman in his arms whose loud snores had so far frightened off a group of small children and a passing old couple nearly half to death. With a wicked smirk, he dropped her into the water.

The water was much deeper than Jeice had expected. Saku had completely disappeared beneath the surface. He peered closer, waiting for her with bated breath to resurface and trying to imagine how Ginyu would react if he learned Jeice had accidentally drowned a possible source of information. Then a fist shot towards him with lighting speed and buried itself in his stomach.

"What did you go and do a thing like that for?!" Saku spluttered, clambering unsteadily out of the grimy water and shaking herself like a wet dog.

"Look, ah need yeh sober, a'right!" he wheezed, holding his winded stomach. That was another first, he noted drolly; never before had he needed a woman sober.

Saku put a hand to her throbbing forehead and winced at the sunlight. "You selfish wee orange _twit_. Have you any idea what you've DONE? I can already feel soberish thoughts leaking into my head. Next I'll be discussing the weather or whether or not this top sets off the colour in my eyes." She sat on the side of the well, wringing out her clothes and muttering, "Bloody arrogant men, think they can just run around sobering up every innocent woman on every bloody street corner. Who do you think you are anyway? Some kind of bleeding Samaritan?"

"Oi, watch yer mouth!" Jeice bristled. "Ah've never looked at another man in ma' life!"

She gave him a measured stare. "Regular wit, too. You better not think too hard or you'll go cross-eyed."

"Says the girl drinkin' herself gaga at eleven o'clock in the morning," Jeice pointed out.

"I needed a break," she shrugged. "Sake helps me think straight."

"Crikey, look, never mind that," he interrupted. "Captain Ginyu wants to talk t' yeh." He paused. "Er…You 'aven't seen him around, have you?"

This seemed to get her attention. She stopped wringing out her damp silver hair and cocked her head to one side. "No. Why? Is he missing?"

"N-No…Well. Sort've. Er, actually ah dunno. But he wants t' talk to you…" Jeice trailed off lamely. Now that he thought about it, he didn't really know what kind of information Ginyu wanted him to get out of the girl.

Saku, however, was smiling knowingly. "He wants me to tell him what I know about Kold's death and the assignment you lot have been given. Right?"

Jeice shrugged. "That's 'bout the size of it, yeah."

Saku got to her feet, stretched and walked around the small courtyard. "And you've been sent to rough me up a little and force some information out of me, right?"

Jeice nodded. "Nothin' personal. Y'know how these things go."

She stalked towards him, the wolfish smile never leaving her lips. Then she pressed her face very close to his and drawled, "You think it'll be that easy, Moptop?"

Jeice narrowed his eyes. "Watch it lady. Yeh may be a 36C, but _never_ diss the doo."

She quirked her lips and leaned back, hands on her hips. "That's some talent you have there," she said sarcastically. "Alright. Tell you what. We'll make a deal."

"A deal?"

"A bargain. An agreement. A contract."

"Ah get yeh, ah ain't daft!" he said. "What kind of deal?"

Saku sat on the edge of the well and crossed her legs. "You get me a rendezvous with the Princess and I'll tell you what Frieza really wants with you and Ginyu."

"Fat chance!" Jeice snarled. "You ain't laying a bleeding hand on her, got that?!"

"Calm down, Casanova," she said with a chuckle. "Believe it or not it's for her own good."

"Aye right. Ah'll believe that in a pig's eye."

Saku raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Information that might save your life isn't worth smuggling me into the palace to have a quick natter with the Princess?"

Jeice eyed her suspiciously. "Bass is next in line fer the throne. You could be another assassin." He puffed up his chest importantly. "Ah'm duty bound t' protect her with my life."

"Yes, that's fascinating," she waved him off with a bored yawn. "I give you my word I mean her no harm."

"Comin' from a _wolf_ that means jack shit," Jeice scoffed.

"Now, now, stereotyping's unfair, Red." She smiled toothily. "Come now, there must be something you want in return."

Jeice was about to tell her where to go when suddenly one of those rare flashes of inspiration caught hold of his imagination and developed into a plan. Saku noticed the look of change spread across his face and eagerly waited.

"Yeh're a woman aren't yeh?" he enquired at length. She drew him a level glare. "No, really, yeh _are_ aren't yeh? 'Cos there was this one time I was out in Terrada-"

"Do THESE answer your question?" she posed, pushing her ample chest together.

"Aw. Right. Yeah."

"Stop staring."

"Sorry."

"Just tell me what you want," she said flatly, getting impatient.

Jeice took a breath, then said, "Tell me how to talk t' women."

Saku could not stop the burst of laughter that erupted from her throat. "You are kidding, right? You're talking to one right now."

"Naw, ah mean, like, talk to _real _women. Classy women. Like the Princess, see-"

"Aw God, you haven't gone and fallen in love with the Princess you're protecting, have you? Oy vey, how cliché." She hung her head in melodramatic despair. "You should never underestimate a man's ability to be completely and utterly vacant."

"Hey, 'ave it your way sweetheart. You want in, you gotta help me get the girl."

She ogled him. "Why on earth do you think _I_ can help with that? I mean, sorry to burst your bubble, Red, but I'm not exactly a romantic." Saku paused and stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Course, I _have_ had more than my fair share of love affairs…"

Jeice grinned. "We got a deal then?"

Saku nodded, grasped his hand and shook it heartily. "Alright. Deal it is. From now, just call me teacher. You're fair Princess won't know what's hit her! Now," she grinned, baring a sharp canine. "Lesson one: The Art of Successful Wooing."

**oOo**

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**Hope you enjoyed that chapter guys! Please let me know what you think, your feedback means a great deal to me. Cheers!x  
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	5. The Bounty Hunter

**A/N****:** Sorry for the long wait between chapters! Just haven't had time to write with uni on, but I give you an extra long chapter to make up for it and I threw in a couple of Blazing Saddles quotes for extra shits and giggles! XD

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**RumBuggery!**

The Bounty Hunter

When you wanted something done, it was proper protocol to start a quest. This applied to both heroes and pirates. After all, there was nothing in the rule book that stated a quest taken had to be a gallant or chivalrous one. A quest was a quest by the very nature of its undertaking. There was, for example, the infamous Quest for a Shanty undertaken by the crew of the self-proclaimed King of the Pirates, Dodoria, who had grown so bored with their usual rowdy tunes that quite a lot of blood had been spilled during the arguments over which pirate shanty was the best, thus they determined to find an entirely new one. Naturally, the conclusion was a bloody one.

Most of these dangerous quests left Captain Ginyu irritable, hungry and often in need of a new crew. Indeed he had been on so many quests during his pirating years that he had sworn them off for the foreseeable future. But Fate, who Ginyu decreed could be an interfering bastard, had other plans for him. From the moment he had been handed the summons from the Palace, Ginyu had sniffed a quest on the horizon.

Grumbling, he stepped over the threshold of _the Tilted Wig_. It was quite empty. Most of the tavern's usual customers had either passed-out, passed away or were banged up in the dungeons at this hour. In the corner a dusty old man was playing a dusty old fiddle and a young lithe waitress with pale hair was drumming her fingers on the bar, evidently waiting for a quest to find her.

Krillen, the bald-headed, bald-minded barman and proprietor of _the Tilted Wig,_ was busy mopping up blood and bits of leftover customers from last night's nightly brawl (scheduled Mon-Fri eight to nine on weekends). He looked up at the sound of heavy footfalls and promptly let out a high-pitched shriek as the Captain's shadow fell over him like a black cloud.

"Ginyu! W-What are you doing here?" the small man stammered. "I told you you're barred!"

Ginyu smiled like a lion and plonked his large hands on the small man's shoulders, turning him around. "Come, come, we're both gentlemen here and gentlemen do not squabble over petty matters. Gentlemen discuss their differences over a nice whiff of port," he said, guiding Krillen non-too-gently and sitting him down at a wobbly table, then took a seat opposite. "After all, we can't all run around like hooligans, damn it all! Some of us must be civilised. Imagine the world if all of us was knocking each other around, eh?" He bellowed with laughter; a sound like a horn blown to raise the dead.

"Not much different to how it is now, I 'xpect," Krillen grumbled sullenly. "What're you after this time, Ginyu?"

"Captain," Ginyu corrected politely, "if you please."

"Fine. What're you up to, _Captain_?" Krillen spat acidly. "'Cause whatever it is, I want no part of it."

He sighed dramatically. "Whatever did I do to earn such a bitter opinion, I wonder." Ginyu leaned back into his chair and tapped his nose conspiratorially. "I'm after information. Worry not, my small bald-headed chum. It's nothing that will get your neck in a noose."

"Yeah, right."

Ginyu waved an airy hand. "Naturally, I'll make it worth your while."

"I'm not interested in money."

"Ah, _women_," he said sagely, as though recalling some rare species he had once glimpsed while sailing past a tropical island.

"Like you'd know any decent ones," Krillen snorted. "And besides, I'm married," he said, then added, "_Happily_."

It was Ginyu's turn to look indignant. "Preposterous. No such thing." He fixed a very serious stare on Krillen's small black eyes and lowered his booming voice so that the barmaid and the fiddle player who had been eavesdropping almost had to strain their ears to hear him. "Then… perhaps a deal."

Krillen narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "What kind of a deal?"

"A contract. A gentlemen's agreement. I believe the common term is 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours'," said Ginyu with an odd quirk of his lips. He may have been a pirate, but he liked to think of himself as a well-read, fine-bred gentleman of the sea and quite above such common language. It quite escaped his notice that he was a complete idiot. "There must be some kind of favour I can do for you."

Krillen's eyes suddenly flashed. Ginyu knew he had won and after a flickering moment, the small man relented. "My daughter was kidnapped by the Snake Queen," he told him, quietly. "Get her back and I'll help you."

"Ah-ah." Ginyu wagged his finger. "Help _me_ and then I shall take pains to return your daughter to this fine, er, _establishment_."

"Come off it! How do I know I can trust you?" Krillen exclaimed. "You're a pirate!"

"How very astute. All right, I am a fair man and I can see we have reached an impasse of sorts. Therefore I am left with but one option." Ginyu leaned across the table, a dark and solemn expression on his face. "We shall take the Oath. Will that warrant your trust?" Krillen nodded firmly, his expression grave. "Good."

In one motion, they linked pinkie fingers across the table and chanted together:

'_Pinkie promise, _

_Cross my heart, _

_Lest I sniff _

_A dead man's fart.'_

"This had better be worth it," said Krillen, his cheeks tinged slightly pink, and then turned to the pretty young waitress at the bar. "Kida – bottle of port over here, please!" The girl nodded smartly and brought over a bottle and two grimy goblets. Once she was safely out of earshot, Krillen leaned across the table and said grudgingly, "Alright. What are you after?"

"My ship."

"Your ship?"

"That's what I said."

Krillen blinked. "Hold on, hold on. Someone's _nicked_ your ship?"

"If you want to be vulgar about it, in a manner of speaking, yes. And I spent far too much time and effort procuring that ship from the Earl of Buu-"

"You mean nicking it," Krillen cut in.

"- to have some chap come along and claim it for his own, damn it all. Pass the port."

"But I saw your ship in the harbour just a half-hour ago," said Krillen, passing the port. "No one could've sailed off with it in that time, not even the King of Thieves!"

"Ah!" Ginyu shouted, grinning. "And here we come to my point. How might one go about contacting the King of Thieves? I was led to believe you were an acquaintance of his. You know. Fellow who lives in the Deadly Deserts. Long hair. No ball in his canon, if you get my meaning. Thinks a flying cat follows him round. Nice port, by the by. Good age."

"Yamcha? Well, yeah. I know him." Krillen shrugged. "He comes in here for a pint round eight."

Ginyu stroked his chin musingly. "That so…that so…"

"I can arrange a meeting with him then, but man…I dunno if Yamcha will even chance anything round Scrum this week."

The ridges above Ginyu's red eyes rose. "Oh? Why might that be?"

It was the barman's turn to look surprised. "Well isn't it obvious? The Princess's coronation takes place tomorrow. Where've you been? Icion can't be a kingdom without a flipping monarch. Everyone's raving about it, 'specially Raving Roshi – creepy old pervert keeps ranting on about what a great pair of-"

"That's quite enough, thank you," said Ginyu, covering Krillen's face with one large hand while drumming the fingers of his free hand on the table.

This was no good, no good at all. He was feeling increasingly more agitated. If the Princess's coronation was tomorrow, Frieza was bound to pull a stunt before or during the ceremony. If his hunch was right, and it never was wrong, and Frieza was behind the assassination of his father and brother, then an assassination attempt in broad daylight would be the most likely scenario for one very simple reason: Frieza would have an alibi. Naturally it was common knowledge that the Prince never did his own dirty work, but an alibi would still give him the power to bribe the press and soon everyone in Icion would believe Frieza was nothing but an innocent bystander and perhaps even the next poor victim in a line of royal assassinations. Ginyu could see it all as if it were happening before his very eyes. After all, he'd been around the world a couple of times and was no stranger to messy royal affairs. Still, the important question was where did this scenario leave he and his crew?

'_Strung up like sardines, most likely,_' he thought grimly and downed another mouthful of port.

**oOo**

Saku Ookami was widely recognised as the worst adventurer who ever travelled the Seven Kingdoms. Merely bad adventurers had perhaps one or two near-death experiences along their travels. She scorned such amateurs. In the past year alone she had been hired seventeen times to guard various high ranking officials – five of them had been maimed in various bloody and imaginatively gruesome ways under her watch, four had been inspired to take up piracy and the few who had survived working with her had turned to alcohol. She was now banned from six of the Seven Kingdoms, had caused several thousand doubloons worth of property damage, blew up a castle, worried a dragon and had a bounty put on her head for stealing candy from the Earl de Buu. Truly, there was no beginning to her talents.

But what Jeice didn't know wouldn't hurt him, she mused, tearing down a Wanted poster featuring a very unflattering mug shot of her, while her companion rattled off another monologue concerning how the Princess Bass's skin was like the "smooth frothy head of an untouched pint". Ignoring him, Saku reached into a pouch on her belt and pulled out a handful of tiny dark crystals that twinkled in the sunlight. Then, glancing surreptitiously around, she dropped them into an empty barrel on a street corner.

People always focused on her unconventional methods, she thought wryly, continuing to ignore Jeice's romantic monologues, which were no more poetic than a pile of steaming cack. Take Prince Trunks, for example. No faith in her at all! But when it came right down to it she got the job _done_. So she may have inspired a few starry-eyed royals to turn to piracy. In some places, like Scrum for instance, piracy was considered an aspiration. Property damage, well, sacrifices had to be made. The castle had been an eyesore too and frankly the Earl de Buu needed to lose weight. Nobody had died, not completely. And it was hardly her fault that some stupid dragon had underlying abandonment issues.

"But yeh know what ah really love about her?"

"No. Please. Enlighten me," she said dryly, scattering another handful of black crystals in a barrel.

"The way 'er hair blows in the wind like a-"

"If you say golden silk one more time, your brains will be blowing in the wind." She turned and pressed a finger squarely in his nose. "And you'll get worse coming to you if you spout that rubbish in her face. Do you want to sound like a twat?"

Jeice pouted. "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction." His eyes turned to the pouch on her belt. "Here, what've you been puttin' in all them barrels?"

"What barrels?"

"THEM barrels!" he pointed. "And the ones back down the street in all! You've been dumping that black stuff all about town."

"Don't know what you're on about," she replied, shrugging coolly, and walked across the street to a small ramen stall.

Jeice recognised the stall as the same one he had found Saku sitting at earlier. The vendor was a very small, wrinkled old woman. A pointed hat crowned her head of violet hair. Obviously she belonged to some Magic Guild, Jeice thought warily.

"Oi, Baba!" shouted Saku, raising her hand by way of greeting. "Did you do the weather reading yet? Remember, it's gotta be accurate."

The small woman, Baba, grinned darkly. "My readings are always one hundred percent accurate," she whispered sinisterly. "And they come with a free yogurt."

"Always a bargain." Saku laughed and plonked a small bag of gold in front of the old woman.

Jeice watched as the two women bent their heads together in hushed whispers, Saku nodding her head vigorously every few minutes. He huffed impatiently and tried to sneak a few noodles from the hot pot, only to have his hand slapped away. Finally, Saku stood up, looking all too pleased with herself. He frowned. Jeice knew he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer – in fact he was probably a spoon – but he had a six sense when it came to dodgy deals. He knew when someone was up to something. Knowing when someone was up to something was practically his middle name, though thankfully his mother hadn't been as cruel as all that.

"Cheers, Baba," said Saku, with a disconcerting grin. "That's all I needed to know."

The old woman looked at her warily. "Be careful of what you're getting into, Ookami," said Baba, grimly. "There's evil in the air. Murder afoot. And something very nasty in the streets…"

"Yeah, ah think ah trod on it earlier," muttered Jeice.

The old woman merely smiled at him. "You look like the sort of young man concerned with the brevity of life."

"More the means of bringin' it about," he replied, waving an airy hand, then turned beseechingly to Saku. "Look, can we go now?"

"Alright, Jason-"

"_Jeice._"

"Here's the thing," Saku began as they left Baba's ramen stall and entered Scrum's main street, a place where only tourists and those who robbed them shopped, "you've come here on some mission to seek the Princess's hand, right? Problem is other people seek it too. You have to figure out what you've got that they haven't."

Jeice snorted. "That's easy. Ah've got style."

"So have her suitors. And they don't have to rob it from other people," she pointed out.

"Not _that_ kind of style. Ah've got style yeh can't buy in shops, like. An inner glow, me. That's what me old nan used to say." He beamed with his own self assurance and winked at a couple of passing girls, who giggled and blushed in a way that made Saku's skin crawl. Jeice tossed her a smug grin. "Let's face it, ah'm a lady killer. Full of charismatic charm and swingin' style, babes. You wouldn't know about that, mind, bein' a wolf."

Her right ear twitched irritably, but she forced a thin smile. "Guess not." It was no good arguing with someone whose reality was obscured by rose tinted glasses with lenses three inches thick. "Look, never mind all that. You're guarding the Princess, right? You've got an in that other suitors would _kill_ for. If you're really god's gift to women then lay on …er… whatever it is you lay on."

"Ah can't!" he moaned. "There's somethin' wrong with her. It's like she's immune to my one-liners. Or maybe…" He sighed, frustrated. "Maybe it's me. It's like ah can't think straight when she's around. Like ah'm…doubtin' myself," said Jeice. "You think ah'm sick or somethin'?"

"Sick in the head, maybe."

They came to the bulk of the palace wall and ambled along a dusty street that ran along beside it. The backstreet saw little light or traffic and was therefore a prime location for rats of both the furry and criminal kind. Saku watched with interest as a few of the latter flicked their knives away and averted their gazes the moment they recognised the insignia on Jeice's leather breast plate. Apparently Captain Ginyu had a lot of sway even in Scrum. Saku had heard of him herself, of course. He had something of a legendary status amongst those who liked to dip a toe or occasionally a foot into the criminal world. She looked at Jeice askance and wondered if he even had a clue who he was working for. Jeice wouldn't last three days in Scrum without Ginyu's crest. The cocky ones always died young (and messily, with lots of flailing about).

She looked up the immense palace wall with a grim expression. "So when are you going to get me into this joint?"

"Tonight," Jeice replied, but with a suspicious frown. "'Ere, why'd you really want to talk to the Princess?"

Saku eyed him a moment, then said with a loose shrug, "I've got a message for her."

"From who?"

"From one of the few people in this city who isn't trying to cut he throat. But never mind that. Tell me what your plan of action for wooing the Princess is."

Jeice looked perplexed. "Ah dunno. Flowers and junk. Chicks dig that sort of stuff."

"Flowers, huh? Oh. How ordinary."

"Oi! You're the bleedin' one who's s'posed to have all the answers," Jeice whined. "Deal was you help me and ah help you. You better make pretty on your part of the bargain or-"

"Ok, ok. Stop whining, these ears aren't for decoration," she said, pointing to the furry points at either side of her head. "They're very sensitive and your complaining sounds like a pig attacked with a cheesegrater. Just give me a minute to think." Saku leaned against the palace wall, stroking her chin thoughtfully. The problem was she didn't know what women wanted in a guy. She wasn't sure what _she_ wanted in a guy, never mind some Princess. After a moment, she clicked her fingers and exclaimed, "A sonnet!"

Jeice cocked an eyebrow. "A what-now?"

"You know: music, a song."

"Like rock music?" asked Jeice hopefully.

"No, something soppy that preys on a woman's vanity. Trust me, vanity is a woman's weakness," she proclaimed smugly, then added, "and yours, but one issue at a time. You sing her a song and she'll fall right into your arms. All princesses do. They're programmed to. It's like in their blood or something."

"Really? Wow. Cheers!"

Saku beamed and patted Jeice on the shoulder. "No problem, young apprentice. Now go forth and do what no man should ever do – sing about his feelings!"

"Aye-aye, babes!" Jeice saluted, and turned to race down towards the palace gates when Saku grabbed his collar and yanked him back painfully.

"Ah-ah," she wagged a finger in his face, "what are we forgetting?"

Jeice smiled very innocently. "A… goodbye kiss?"

Her face turned stony and thunderous.

"Alright! Alright! Ah'll get you into the palace," he relented. "Go t' the north wall at seven tonight. That's the weakest part of the palace wall. There's loads of trees yeh can climb down onto. Ah'll get you some royal guard gear or somethin'. Then you can walk 'round the palace no prob."

Saku quirked an eyebrow. "It doesn't sound like the place is well protected."

"Are you kiddin'?" Jeice laughed. "There's hardly a bleedin' guard around the place. Except when Frieza's around. He's practically swimmin' in them."

Then, with a short salute, Jeice turned and ran down the murky street. Saku frowned as she watched him go. There was murder afoot alright. She wondered if the Princess would survive long enough to hear Jeice's sonnet.

She sighed. "Probably best for her if she doesn't."

**oOo**

For a Princess, Bass showed little interest in balls, royal affairs and especially garden parties, much like the one she was attending now. She wandered around the carefully tended to garden, occasionally nodding her head at an ambassador or duchess. Despite being raised in royal circles, she had never been one for idle chitchat nor the idiosyncrasies of the obscenely rich and wealthy royals.

"Are you not enjoying yourself, my dear?" an amused voice asked, close to her ear.

Bass turned sharply, glowering with all the hatred she could muster in the face of Prince Frieza. His loyal lapdog, Zarbon, was never far from the Prince's company. Frieza smiled at her like a snake. Her fists clenched. She could not hand the kingdom over to a man like this whose idea of democracy was one man, one vote (the man in question naturally being Frieza).

"I do not blame you. We were expecting Prince Trunks from Vegetasei, but it appears he could not make it. A pity for you, I'm sure." The Prince smirked. "I hear he's quite a dish."

"How lovely to throw a garden party two days after your father's death," said Bass in a tight voice.

"Tsk, Princess. _Our _father," Frieza corrected, wagging a finger in her face. "After all, Kold adopted you. You are as much a part of this family as I am. And I hope you believe me when I say your presence here means so much more to me than an alliance with your home kingdom. Why, I must confess you are like a ray of sunshine during these harrowing times." He sniffed and held a hand out to Zarbon, who handed him a handkerchief. "Death is such a gloomy affair," he said, dabbing at his eye theatrically.

"I believe my bodyguards wish to speak with me, my lord. Excuse me," she said, turning around and walking away briskly. It was all she could do not to smack the Prince in the face. Who did he think he was fooling with that act?

She continued on through the gardens until the clinking of glasses and regal laughter of the party was a faint din behind her. Nearby, three members of the Ginyu Force were sitting in the cool shadow of an apple tree playing a card game, or attempting to anyway, but these attempts were hampered by Recoome who would shout, "GO FISH!" every few seconds then slam his face onto the stack of cards.

Bass did not feel at ease in their company. They kept looking at her, particularly the red one. Thankfully he didn't seem to be amongst the group stationed under the apple tree. She took a deep breath then marched firmly towards them.

"Do you call this guarding me?" she snapped tersely, standing over them like a black storm cloud.

"No. We call it Snap," replied Recoome, looking at her with childlike honesty.

"I hate this game," Guldo protested loudly. "Burter always wins."

"Not when you cheat, I don't," grumbled Burter.

"How dare you imply such a thing! I never bend rules!"

"Right," said Burter, rolling his eyes. "You only bend time." He turned towards Bass with an air of unconcern. "What can we do for you, Princess?"

Bass lifted her chin and sneered. "Don't give me that "Princess" rubbish. I came here to tell you to leave now. Prince Frieza takes me for an idiot, but I'm not blind and I'm not deaf. I know who and what your Captain Ginyu is and I know you're anything but bodyguards."

"Y-Yes we are!" Guldo stammered. "Recoome! Show her our qualifications."

"Recoome only pawn... in game of life…" the large man replied with a far-off expression.

Burter and Guldo sweated, and turned towards the Princess with expressions of guilt that would have had them dangling by their necks in a court of law.

The Princess tossed her blonde head and glowered, folding her arms across her chest. "Do you know what a rat is? I can sum it up in five very simple words: Fight. Steal. Eat. Run. Fleas. Prove to me you are something more than that and perhaps, _perhaps_ I'll believe you won't cut my throat in the middle of the night."

The Ginyus exchanged a puzzled look.

Finally Burter said, "We like bowling, too."

**oOo**

"Well that went well," Guldo moaned, drumming his fingers on floor outside the Princess's quarters where they were stationed for the night. "If Frieza doesn't have us thrown in the pit, that Princess will have us skinned alive."

"She'll probably do it herself, too," said Burter. "She looks the type. Jeice, what are you writing over there?"

"Nothin'," the young pirate replied, promptly.

"Nothing? You've been writing that thing for hours," said Guldo irritably. "Show me it!"

Jeice ignored him. He got to his feet and strode purposefully across the hall to the Princess's door and chapped three times, clearing his throat. Behind him, the Ginyus watched curiously. The door opened and the Princess glared.

"What do you want now?"

"Just to talk to yeh're highness-ness." Jeice beamed convincingly.

"You're pirates. You're despicable," Bass retorted shortly. "I don't make it a habit of casually conversing with thieves and murderers."

"We're not murderers," said Jeice earnestly. "We're just, er, balancin' out the forces of the universe."

The door slammed shut in his face.

"Christ." He knocked on the door again. It opened a crack and the Princess peered through. Jeice cleared his throat and began to sing, "_'Roses are red, violets are bloo, and yer tits look great in that dress.'_"

A fist shot through the gap in the door and sent the pirate staggering back into the hall with a very bloody nose.

"Are you alright?" asked Guldo, whose voice held no trace of sympathy.

"Did you lose any teeth?" asked Recoome, hopefully.

Jeice simply grinned stupidly, clutching the sonnet to his chest with a faraway look. "Whoa, man, ah love that woman. She's got the rock 'n roll magic, mates!"

"Jeice, I don't think that was punch was thrown out of affection," said Burter.

"It wasn't?"

The Ginyus shook their heads in unison. Jeice's bottom lip began to quiver.

"MEN!" hollered Captain Ginyu, striding down the hall towards them. "Your illustrious and fearless leader has returned to this putrid den of iniquity. Rejoice!" He paused for dramatic effect. A frown crossed his face like a black shadow when the four pirates merely stared blankly. "What's wrong with you? You appear confused. This is where you run towards me like giddy children."

"Aye, Captain!" the Ginyus roared, scrambling towards him, all except Jeice who was staring forlornly at Bass's door.

Ginyu frowned. "Jeice, why are you sobbing like a small sissy girl? Don't answer that. I don't care. Get over here this instant. I have grave news about our glorious ship. And by ours I mean mine."

"What's wrong, Captain?" said Burter.

The Captain lowered his booming voice to a more gentle holler. "It appears our Prince Frieza is working all the angles here. Our ship is overrun with imperial armed forces. The Princess is on death row alright."

Burter frowned. "We're scapegoats, aren't we? That's why they've got our, er, _your_ ship."

Captain Ginyu nodded tensely.

"S-Scapegoats? You mean we're going to be framed for her murder? B-But why? How?!" Guldo wailed. "They've been so nice to us!"

"An escape is our only option," said Ginyu, coolly ignoring Guldo's sobbing. He turned around, arms folded behind his back like a royal dignitary. "Never fear, my companions, for even as I speak your fearless Captain is formulating a brilliant plan. Indeed, my mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapour of invention."

"Ditto!" Recoome grinned.

Ginyu paused in his step and turned sharply towards him with a glare that would have frozen most people to ice. "'Ditto'?" he repeated. "'Ditto', you provincial _putz_?"

"Cap'n!" Jeice interrupted before the last of Recoome's brain cells were scattered across the royal floors. "We can't just leave the Princess t' die can we?"

Ginyu blinked. "Of course we can, you bumptious tit! We're pirates, not heroes. If you want to be a hero, sign up to the Heroes Guild. There is no room for frivolous acts of bravery on my ship. Pirates are mice, not lions!"

"Er, mice, Captain?" Burter queried.

Ginyu blushed and cleared his throat, slamming his fist into his open palm stubbornly. "YES. Lionly mice!"

"But Captain," Guldo whimpered, "how do we escape if they have our ship?"

"That," began Ginyu, with an eerie smile, "is where the King of Thieves comes in."

**oOo**

Frieza watched city below his balcony, its thousands of lights twinkling like a field of fireflies. It was a pathetic city, really. The only thing of any value it produced was an invaluable source of bounty hunters.

"Can I get you anything, Prince Frieza?" said Zarbon.

"What do you think of this city, Zarbon?" Frieza asked, taking a delicate sip from the goblet of wine in his hand. "Do you think it a fine city?"

"Er, yes my Lord. Very fine."

"Mm. Forgive me for saying so, but you truly are the most sycophantic twit, Zarbon." Frieza's gaze darkened. "This city is a joke. This whole world is a joke. I will rectify that soon. Very soon."

"Yes, my Lord." Zarbon bowed deep. "If you need me no longer, I shall retire for the night."

"Please do," said Frieza, waving him off casually.

He heard the click of the door as Zarbon left his quarters. A few minutes passed. Then suddenly, there was a flicker in the air, detectable only by the very trained eye. Frieza smiled darkly.

"Hello, Mr Sauza." He sipped his wine. "Lovely evening, isn't it?"

The shadow in the corner said nothing.

"Never been one for much chit-chat, have you? I like that. It makes the job run much smoother. And I must admit I do enjoy the sound of my own voice." Frieza chuckled, then motioned towards a chair. "Please, rest your sphincter."

Sauza did not move. For a bounty hunter he wasn't particularly overwhelming. In fact, he suited the image of a hero more than a cold-blooded killer. He was of average height and build, with a shock of blonde hair and blue skin. His clothes were loose fitting, the outfit of your average mage. He was remarkable purely in his unremarkability, but Frieza knew you had to be careful of the ones who looked for all intents and purposes _normal._ Pirates and bounty hunters who purchased magical armour or enchanted swords and wore the teeth of their victims on strings around their necks were a bit like pearls: a piece of shit gets trapped in an oyster and a pearl grows around it, but ultimately it's still shit on the inside.

Sauza was the real deal.

Some bounty hunters were renowned by their name, but he was different. Oh, people knew him alright. But those who are very, very renowned aren't mentioned by name, but by simple phrases like, 'Oh…_him…' _or merely by the raising of eyebrows. Sauza was more often mentioned by a shudder than anything else. It wasn't so much the number of people who had passed on with Sauza's gracious assistance, but the infamous clients he had taken on. He had killed more royals than any Bounty Hunter to date. But Sauza's efficiency was not why Frieza hired him. No, the man had a certain quality about him which Frieza found particularly interesting. His face was young and stoical; completely humourless, but it was his eyes that held Frieza's interest for he had never before seen eyes with such focused, dispassionate pinprick pupils. They seemed to stare at, through and behind you all at once; an effect that even had Zarbon feel happier keeping a nice solid object, like a desk or a musket, firmly between them. Frieza, for all that he was a great controller and taker-awayer of life, was also an admirer of character and Sauza certainly had character, though most people preferred not to get too close to whatever that was. There were far worse things than death and in his presence you tended to get the feeling those things were lurking just behind his eyes.

"You know," Frieza began, clasping his hands behind his back as his eyes ranged over the city sprawling beneath him, "the true capital of Icion is Ice City itself. A beautiful city, dominated by our people's fine culture, yet vastly ignored due to my father's love for this…_charming_ port. Of course, once I claim the throne I'll set things right. Unfortunately, there is one small thing standing between me and that throne: the rightful owner." His small red eyes grew cold as he looked at the bounty hunter. "Tomorrow. Noon. Do you understand?"

Sauza gave a quick nod of his head and turned to leave.

"Oh, and Mr Sauza?" Frieza added, his tone once more light and friendly. "Make it messy. The entire city will be watching after all."

**oOo**

Prince Trunks and his Saiyan bodyguard, Caithion, were sitting in a tavern drinking, because really, you had to be drunk to stay in a place like this. Trunks grimaced as another violent bar brawl broke out; this one started by two old biddies arguing over whose turn it was to pay the bill. Blood splashed onto their table, followed by a set of dentures.

"Is there anything in this city that makes life worth living?" the young Prince grunted in disgust.

His companion seemed to mull this over for a long while, sipping on a glass filled with toxic looking green stuff, then said at length, "Cats."

"What?"

"The cats are nice."

Trunks snorted. "Cats bring the plague."

"That's what I like about them."

Saku Ookami was clawing her way through the fighting masses on the bar floor towards them with all the grace and stealth of an inebriated blind hippo on stilts.

"Ookami," Trunks greeted with a nod when she staggered against their table. "Remind me to have you killed for incompetence when this is all over."

"Duly noted," she said. "But before you cut my throat, Prince Charming, you might want to have a chat with the Princess tonight. I arranged a little date for you."

Caithion raised an eyebrow at her; an expression that might have been surprise etching across his pale face if indeed the spidery Saiyan looked anything other than disdainful. He tapped his cigarette on the edge of the table and leaned into his seat, coolly. "I told you she wasn't completely incompetent," he told Trunks, who did not look impressed.

"What time do we have to head there for?" Trunks asked her.

Saku smiled guiltily. "In about five minutes."

The two Saiyans exchanged a look, then glowered at her.

"Whaat?" she shrugged. "I fancied a drink!"

**oOo**

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Please review and let me know what you think of the story so far, I love to hear your comments and suggestions.


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